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Sleep more. Bathe less. Think of your future self not damning you for over-doing physical stuff. Eat a little more of that sweet crap you’re not supposed to. Smile at judgers, not a word, it drives them bats. Avoid credit. Enjoy all those little critters more. Take a longer look at Zen.
Don’t apologize to people over little things, like being late or using too much of their time. Instead, thank them. Ex: instead of, “I’m sorry I’m such a mess”, say, “Thank you for being patient with me and supporting me.” It will make both you and the other person feel better than the alternative.
do the basic things we all know we should or at least set your self up for success with them. full sleep every night, stay hydrated, eat healthy, excersise, etc at least 80% of the time because cheating onece in a while is nice to.
The wife always goes, “If any of us did something like X would you be that hard on us? What would you say to us?.. So why would you treat yourself like that?”
I hear this a lot. I know you’re just answering the OP, but I just wanted to say I have a hard time with this. The point is that it’s me and that I know better than to do X. So what then?
Well I think the idea is that many of us hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do others we care about. So it follows that if you give them grace, forgiveness, tolerance — why can’t you give such grace, forgiveness, tolerance to yourself whom you should also care about?Seeking to improve and be better is great, but we aren’t perfect little robots. At the end of the day — despite maybe knowing better — you still did X, so move past the self-bashing and think constructively how to improve going forward.
I’ll further note that we like to think of ourselves as this singular consciousness with a driver at the head, but let’s be honest… There are a whole host of competing voices in our heads with some sizable control of our faculties from different regions ranging from the Limbic system to the ACC — leaving aside the gut-brain axis that can pretty easily hijack your perception and priorities. For me it has been helpful as of recently to think of my state of mind as a collection of these voices with differing priorities. Thus changing my environment can keep the varying cabinet members content; that’s what you can do as the CEO in the prefrontal cortex.
Well, when people wrong me in very significant ways, I actually don’t forgive and tolerate them. Especially when said people repeat the harmful behaviors to others over and over again, often without remorse. In that regard, I’m not necessarily being a ton different in the way I view myself. One of the problems is that I continue to do X even when I try not to.
Idk if any of that made sense.
Don’t insult yourself. It can be difficult at times, and it feels like a small thing to worry about, but it provides a large amount of progress in that regard. I will find myself revising my own thoughts when I slip, usually ending up with a much more constructive criticism of what I’m frustrated about.
This is a big one. One of my friends would constantly berate himself like “I’m such an idiot”, “I’m a dumb old dinosaur” anytime he couldn’t fully grasp a new concept. Over time I could tell that it was actually making him less likely to give himself a chance at understanding. And he truly is a smart dude. One day I called him out on it and he just stayed quiet, took a deep breath and said “you’re right. I’m not an idiot, just need time to understand”. He no longer says it and now embraces a mental challenge.
I separated myself from my brains “mean voice”. Because they’re not normal thoughts id have about other people, but separating them out I was able to address it differently and notice that “Her” presence is a sign something else might be going on in that moment. At first I was pretty brutal with her back, but over the years I got gentler with her and came to respect that she’s trying to protect me from something (no matter how misguided). I think the real healing came from that moment I was kind and gentle with Her when She’d say the stuff she’d say, but it started with me separating herself out so I could examine it as something distinct from my Self.
In what way are you mean to yourself?
Do something today that your future self will appreciate. What would you do to a friend to be kind? Do that for yourself in the future.
If you wouldn’t let anyone say it about your friend, don’t say it about yourself. Don’t even think it about yourself.
Stay offline.
Talk about yourself (or to yourself) in the second or third person in your mind. We’re usually far more critical of our own actions than we would be good a friend. We would never be negative to a friend in such an unkind way, as we are to ourselves. A change in language to the third person for you inner dialogue prompts you to take an external observer’s point of view and to talk to yourself in the way you would talk to others.
If you’re into podcasts, then 2 podcasts that are great for learning about things like this are Happiness Lab and Hidden Brain.
Learn to recognize automatic negative thoughts.
Anytime negative self criticism comes to mind allow that thought then challenge it with positivity. “I spilt my coffee all over my table because I’m stupid” “but I also cleaned that mess quickly, I also know that everyone makes this same mistake so how am I stupid”
Sometimes negative thought may appear like a bad relationship, one may feel guilty for thinking negatively about that relationship or what ever it is but sometimes we’re allowed to feel these things towards previous situations. “Can’t believe I wasted a year with that person only to be cheated on” “and now I am in a foal mood for thinking about it” “well actually its healthy to grieve and thats what this is”
A lot of therapy is about changing our own perspectives. Introspection can be a great tool, learning to sit with and question ones own reasoning is the most important part of the process.
Get confident, stupid
Imagine yourself as one of your inner circle Friends and sometimes check if you would talk to your friends like your brain talks / thinks about you. We are often so mean / demanding to ourself and often dont know when something is not good for us, but we tend to be good at caring for our friends.
It is just your brain doing worst case scenario planning, the brain while idling loves to run through all of the most awful things that could happen in order to plan for them and give you an advantage should they occur, however outlandish and unlikely. It treats unpalatable opinions about the decisions you have made and your progress through life in the same vein. Turning them around to see how well they fit and if you could benefit from them in some way or to prepare you in case they arise via an external agent.
Adopt the voice of your mother as a replacement for your inner voice (if she wasn’t bitch, of course). Let it be as kind and forgiving as a mother towards a small child.
