When I was in 2nd grade, I was stuck in a corner for participating too much. This character flaw has followed me all my life. My ex told me people didn’t like me because I shared my thoughts too much, and I just got feedback from my boss about the same thing.
The thing is, I’ve tried to stop my whole life. I only participate maybe 10% of the time, and I generally try to let others speak first unless no one is speaking up. But I’m still getting this feedback. I’m like a bull in a china shop, knocking down everyone no matter how careful I try to be.
The only solution I can come up with is to assume no one wants to hear from me and disengage. Stop caring, stop thinking, and stop participating altogether. I already feel isolated from everyone. This is just making it worse. I think I have to face the fact that I’m not welcome in any degree.
Any other ideas?
Just in case you weren’t aware, this is a very classic symptom of ADHD, you might want to check out the other symptoms and resources online to see if it fits you. There’s medication for ADHD which may help? I have ADHD, so that’s why I’m sharing.
A tip I once got was “three before me”, which means every time you speak, you let other people speak 3 times before you add anything else. I find that helpful if I can remember to do it.
When I think of something to say, I feel a strong urge to blurt it out - partially because I am excited by this amazing thought I just had, and also partially because I’m worried I might forget it.
Another thing you can do is take notes of things you want to say, write them down - that also helps you evaluate if they’re actually worth saying!
I also have that issue, so I try and focus on not going too far down the rabbit hole if it’s not relevant.
If I’m speaking to my boss I’ll say:
“This happens because of that, I’m gonna fix that”
As opposed to:
“What’s happening is X does Y, then Z occurs. That’s because of the A and B not being quite right, because B is blah blah blah. I thought about trying option 1, but that doesn’t work because blah, option 2 doesn’t work either because blah, but option 3 works because of blah blah blah.”
If they don’t need that info, then you don’t need to share it.
100% yes, it’s so hard to kick that urge to just go on and on and on. I allow myself to do it here on Lemmy as a bit of a break from filtering myself in real life, so some of my comments are barely edited streams of consciousness :)
A lot of advice is given to people with ADHD for how they can make neurotypical people comfortable and seem more productive, but less is given to maintaining good mental health with ADHD - definitely make sure that you have ways of letting yourself loose and make sure not to be too hard on yourself when people don’t appreciate your style :P
That’s a great rule “three before me” - worth noting down!
Put it in the big collection of ADHD tips at the back of your brain that you immediately forget as soon as you think about something cool that you wanna say :D
Yes! I have read OPs comment and just thought to myself: “No filter, either 0% or 100% engagement, nothing in-between… sounds like ADHD”
OP, get yourself checked out, there’s medication that helps you dialing down your “participation”. You always go full throttle, and these pills probably help to find those “thottle values” between all-the-way and isolation.
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Have a look at the neurodiverse sublemmy. The sentiment “had I only known this earlier!” is quite common there.
And just because you may share a trait does not mean you will get a diagnosis. But that also does not mean that you think totally neurotypical. This is not binary, it’s all spectrum.
Is this thing about really wanting to say something when you think of it a sign of ADHD?
Yeah, it’s one of the symptoms. Lots of people who otherwise don’t have ADHD do experience that same feeling, though. The best thing to do is to look at the other symptoms and see how well it seems to fit. Doesn’t have to be every symptom, but if 4-5 seem to fit it’s worth pursuing diagnosis imo.
You keep saying you only participate in 10% of conversations, yet everyone thinks you’re dominating the conversations. I think you’ve underestimated and dont really hear how much you are taking over. Maybe you could record a conversation and listen back to it. Maybe you’ll realize you’re taking over a lot more than you think.
I replied with this to another user already by I think this applies here, too: I think what they meant was that they participate in only 10% of conversations because when they do they talk too much. Nothing about OP’s post tells me they’re not aware of the problem or in denial.
In the 10% you participate, do you truely let other people speak or maybe more important, actually realize they may be correct or correct enough?
Only you can answer this.
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So, I find myself doing something similar at smaller meetings at work as well, when it’s just my immediate team. But I wonder if there’s some context that may make your situation different. On our team, I’ve gained a reputation for being a data goblin and supplying that data to many departments that help them focus and make decisions on changes or solving problems. With that, I’ve been able to cultivate a reputation for being very knowledgeable about the business being able to see past the fluff and cutting straight to the real issue that needs to be solved, like you talk about for yourself, so when I speak about these things, I’m taken seriously. And probably more importantly, I also always offer a potential solution, even if it’s not implemented (No one likes the guy who just brings problems but never solutions). Most importantly though, I only do this in meetings with my immediate small team. When other departments come in, they have their own ways of communication and I don’t make assumptions that my way is acceptable for them.
In summary, some things to take into account:
- Is this a meeting where your input is warranted? Would the group maybe see the problem as out of your lane? Are there people more qualified to talk about the problem already talking?
- Do they have a reason to think you “putting it in a perspective” is not your place to do? Are there higher-ups here who’s job you’re usurping?
- Are you bringing anything to the problem other than reframing it? Are you bringing solutions? -Tone is important. Does it sound like you think you’re in charge of the meeting and it’s your job to keep them on track when it’s not? (Verbal inflection can go a long way to convince people you’re working with them to solve it, not telling them how to solve it).
- Finally, and this one may be tough, are you sure you’re doing a good job of putting it in perspective? I’ve worked with people who don’t contribute to solving anything and seems to only pipe up in meetings to restate the problem as if that’s a contribution and then shut the hell up while everyone else works as a team to come up with solutions. Everyone sees their interjection as a waste that gets us off-track. Even if they think they’re helping, we usually already have that context in our heads and it was unnecessary.
None of this may apply to you, and maybe you’re actually surrounded by people that genuinely need you to help get the conversation focused. But I’ve seen people (and myself) make these missteps. And I agree with the poster who mentioned ADHD. I have it and have been over-talking people my whole life until it was pointed out to me and I got better about checking myself, while still contributing. You have to learn to read a room and know instinctively when and how your contributions are welcome.
But you need to make it clear in how you phrase things that you “highly value other people’s input.” I have phrases I use over and over that seem to help.
“I really like what Jane was saying there about the Bobbles. It got me thinking about how the doo-dad’s flipperdoodle can cause this issue. I wonder if there’s a way we can head this off? Maybe cut out the whats-it protocol? Tom, you’ve been looking at the flipperdoodle process lately, do you think that’s a possibility or if there’s something else we could do to streamline it?”
But again, this really only works if you’re in a group where that’s how equals talk to each other like that. If there’s a superior in the meeting who knows about the Bobble department, that’s probably their responsibility. You’ve got to make it sound like you’re working with the team to solve it, not sitting above them and keeping them on-track like you know better. Try listening to how other’s phrase things and try to imitate it, tone as well, not just saying the words. I did not come up working in offices so I’ve had to adapt to the environment, and that’s what I did.
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it seems if you can’t conform to other people’s ideals of how you should be, don’t try and instead try something else. you may find the answer elsewgere
What you have to understand is that often a conversation is not really about whatever the topic is. Conversation is like a game and the goal isn’t to win, but rather to play a good game with other people. If you keep blabbing on and on about the topic without letting other people play then you’re ruining the game.
Sounds like an Adhd thing. For me it sucks because when I stop to let others speak I’ll forget what I wanted to say or I try to focus on remembering what to say, stop paying attention to the people speaking, and finally say my piece just to find out the person talking I wasn’t paying attention to already made the point I said. It’s annoying as hell for me and others.
Participating too much could also be a way to say you aren’t moving on in a conversation/meeting. There’s a flow in conversations and especially meetings. Once something has been decided, you need to move on, no one wants to hear arguments for why we should get sushi after deciding on Mexican food for lunch.
It can be easier to say you talk too much instead of you don’t concede points or move on.
I feel you, as I sometimes am also prone to oversharing, but I think I’ve managed to reel it in. It does help that I’m a bit of an introvert, so being quiet is fine for me.
Not trying to sound too rough, but have you given any thought to if what you said/say in a conversation is relevant to the conversation itself?
I think that sometimes the issue isn’t that a person talks too much, it’s just that they start talking disregarding everything else that is going in the conversation and that can leave the other participants feeling overriden.
I also feel that it’s somewhat important to try and have a filter. To think: “Is this remark I’m going to make needed to progress the conversation?”.
Try to recognize that sometimes the best thing one can do in a conversation is to listen and ask questions. It’s fine not to be an active participant if it isn’t necessary.
Yeah talking too much isn’t necessarily an issue in and of itself. But I’ve known some people who just can’t seem to engage with others. Whenever they talk, it’s like a monologue and they don’t seem to take an interest in others or let anyone turn it into a complete thought. They end up making it all about themselves even if the topic didn’t start that way.
And sharing your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, stories is still a good thing. Just be mindful of how you do it. Was someone telling a story and all of a sudden you insert yours before they are done? Try to seem interested in others by engaging in active listening. Then, when the moment is right, you can switch to your own topic.
It’s ok if you aren’t even that interested in what the other person is saying. Just trying to seem engaged will help.
So OP, are you a monologuer? That might be the real issue and not that you “talk too much”.
Could you outline an example? I understand your perspective and feelings on the matter, but maybe if we could see a transcript, we could see exactly how this trait is manifesting, and we could analyze better what was happening here.
My ex told me people didn’t like me because I shared my thoughts too much, and I just got feedback from my boss about the same thing
Often times when this criticism is brought up it’s not the fact that you’re simply sharing your thoughts, but rather the thoughts themselves that you’re sharing. If your opinions are problematic then obviously people won’t want to hear them and won’t want to be around you. So if you don’t mind, could you share exactly what you said that made these people criticize you in this way?
I had a similar issue and two things helped.
- I once heard that people like to talk more than listen (which was true for me). In addition, a great conversationalist is a person that ask and listens - not the loud, funny outspoken one. People will have a laugh and will listen to you for a little while, but will eventually get bored because they didn’t have an opportunity to participate themselves. So what I started doing now is asking a lot of questions, even if I’m not 100% genuinely interested in the answer, but eventually the other person will say something that will bring us closer together and will give us something to talk about. The second rule of this game, is to try as hard as possible not to say anything unless asked. This is the hard part :D But once you catch yourselves giving opinions/story telling unprompted - stop - back to asking questions.
You wouldn’t believe how much it changed my life. I used to be extremely nervous about going out 1v1 even with my close friends, out of fear of “What are we going to talk about?”“What if there is going to be an awkward silence” etc. Now I thrive and I love hearing from people, what’s new in their lives and so on. And I noticed people like to talk to me a lot more too!
- Realise that “opinions are like assholes - everyone has got one” - and this works in two ways. Respect that your opinion is not definite and final - listen and maybe somebody will say something that will make you revaluate your “truths”. Learn. That’s the only way to grow. Also, don’t give opinion unless asked - sometimes people just need to vent. Not always you need to be there to fix things or correct them.
Just be respectful, wait for your time when called upon and enjoy the conversation. You know your opinions - by saying them out loud you just repeat what you already know. It’s time to find out what other people are thinking :)
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Not 100% true. Some people are more egocentric, like us, but they never look out for any other way of being. These people, will talk and talk and talk for hours, unprompted. Nobody asks them, because they will talk anyway.
You, my friend, made a step forward to becoming a better conversationalist. You asked us for our opinion. Make a change if you feel it will make a positive impact on your life. Observe how your family and friends respond :)
Start small!
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I’m sorry but you’re being a child. ‘Well, if everyone apparently hates hearing me talk so much, I’ll just say nothing at all, just to please everyone even if it kills me inside!’ My guy. If multiple people at different points in your life with different relationships all say the same thing to you, it’s probably true. I know it’s hard to accept but you’re not accurately seeing what is happening in these social situations because you have a certain view of yourself and how you behave doesn’t match with that so you ignore it.
I speak from experience. I’m autistic, it took a long time for me to learn to communicate properly. I had to be told by multiple people who were close to me at mutlple parts of my life that I was selfish in conversation and only talked about myself. At first I was very offended and indignant and denied it. Those people stopped being friends with me, but years later I realized they were right. Still, when I’m not trying I slip into just talking about myself. It took my brother and his wife saying it to me again 2 years ago. I apologized to them and have started paying attention more, and it makes a world of difference.
Let other people talk, ask them questions, no matter how brilliant or interesting you think you are. You, in your childish indignation, think that being more empathetic in conversation will have a negative impact on you, but the people around you will like you way more and be more willing to talk with you, which actually has a positive impact on you. You know, I have students who are also super offended every time you discipline them because it’s sooo unfair and they didn’t do anything wrong, but it happens with every single teacher. It’s not them, it’s you. Try to be open to the fact that sometimes, other people have a more accurate view of your behavior. If they all say the same thing, listen.
Don’t forget about the number one - you!
But in this case, I feel it might be positive for both sides. Just don’t do something purely for the sake of others if you don’t feel it makes you happy as well. It’s unhealthy and unsustainable.
I saw many of the ideas down there, I might add one:
Looking from the perspective of anxiety, maybe it is a form of inner coping mechanism of stimulation to relieve anxiety. If you want to relieve anxiety, you may want to send the flow of anxiety into another activity (walking, writing, aerobic exercising if you can, anything goes) and set a goal not to talk. Transitions like that are hard but it can be solved with creativity and dedication.
Remember people don’t want a lecture when having a conversation, you get 3-10 seconds to make your point then it’s someone else’s turn to talk.
My 2 cents: try to become a moderator of discussions for a while. People are talking? Instead of contributing, try to watch them. Are there People who contribute more/less? Does someone have problems to get their turn? Do they understand each other? Try to make space for those that need it. By the end of the discussion, if there was something really important to the topic that noone mentioned, say it. This approach helped me a lot to become more aware of the multiple people conversation dynamics and in the end helped me with dialogs as well.
As an academic, we often don’t follow our own social rules. We’ll say we want people to stop us if they have a question. That’s frequently not the case. My advise. Be that guy, but read the room.
I don’t have anything to add as far as advice goes, however based on your responses and initial post it sounds like you aren’t being completely honest with us or yourself. “I only participate 10% of the time”, “I highly value other people’s input/don’t interrupt people”, “I just have to accept that people don’t value my opinion”. If you’ve been receiving this feedback openly your entire life by various sources I’m very much inclined to believe it has merit.
You seem to be looking for confirmation bias here that you’ve done nothing wrong and it’s the people around you giving unfair criticism, just know that this confirmation bias is fleeting. We’re strangers on the internet, we don’t actually care how insufferable you are or aren’t IRL, because as soon as we’ve left our comments we can close this post and essentially forget you exist. It is definitely worth listening to the people around you if you want to maintain those relationships, especially if it’s affecting your career.
The best advice I can give you is to take this criticism seriously and follow the advice of other users who have experienced similar personality traits.
I think what they meant was that they participate in only 10% of conversations because when they do they talk too much. Nothing about OP’s post tells me they’re not aware of the problem or in denial of it. Their question was how to stop doing it.
I think you’re taking it for granted that if someone knew about the problem and tried hard enough, they’d be able to stop, so you’ve answered assuming that they mustn’t be taking it seriously else they would’ve quit doing it already- only there’s a lot of reasons why it might be extremely difficult.
ADHD is one of many reasons, and it’s not a matter of willpower. This is why it requires medical and psychological intervention to treat effectively, and it is by far not the only cause of overbearing social behaviours.
I disagree, that’s not how OP’s post and comments read to me, especially because “disengage because nobody wants to hear from me” was mentioned as their solution after they claimed they only participate in 10% of conversations. But like I said, it doesn’t matter. OP can choose to disregard my comment if it doesn’t apply, I’m just a stranger on the internet.
I think you’re taking it for granted that if someone knew about the problem and tried hard enough, they’d be able to stop
Yeah, absolutely nothing in my comment even alluded to this, I even specifically said to take advice from others in this thread. Where on earth did you get this from? This is such a ridiculous and disingenuous takeaway from my comment.
