When I was in 2nd grade, I was stuck in a corner for participating too much. This character flaw has followed me all my life. My ex told me people didn’t like me because I shared my thoughts too much, and I just got feedback from my boss about the same thing.
The thing is, I’ve tried to stop my whole life. I only participate maybe 10% of the time, and I generally try to let others speak first unless no one is speaking up. But I’m still getting this feedback. I’m like a bull in a china shop, knocking down everyone no matter how careful I try to be.
The only solution I can come up with is to assume no one wants to hear from me and disengage. Stop caring, stop thinking, and stop participating altogether. I already feel isolated from everyone. This is just making it worse. I think I have to face the fact that I’m not welcome in any degree.
Any other ideas?
Just in case you weren’t aware, this is a very classic symptom of ADHD, you might want to check out the other symptoms and resources online to see if it fits you. There’s medication for ADHD which may help? I have ADHD, so that’s why I’m sharing.
A tip I once got was “three before me”, which means every time you speak, you let other people speak 3 times before you add anything else. I find that helpful if I can remember to do it.
When I think of something to say, I feel a strong urge to blurt it out - partially because I am excited by this amazing thought I just had, and also partially because I’m worried I might forget it.
Another thing you can do is take notes of things you want to say, write them down - that also helps you evaluate if they’re actually worth saying!
I also have that issue, so I try and focus on not going too far down the rabbit hole if it’s not relevant.
If I’m speaking to my boss I’ll say:
“This happens because of that, I’m gonna fix that”
As opposed to:
“What’s happening is X does Y, then Z occurs. That’s because of the A and B not being quite right, because B is blah blah blah. I thought about trying option 1, but that doesn’t work because blah, option 2 doesn’t work either because blah, but option 3 works because of blah blah blah.”
If they don’t need that info, then you don’t need to share it.
100% yes, it’s so hard to kick that urge to just go on and on and on. I allow myself to do it here on Lemmy as a bit of a break from filtering myself in real life, so some of my comments are barely edited streams of consciousness :)
A lot of advice is given to people with ADHD for how they can make neurotypical people comfortable and seem more productive, but less is given to maintaining good mental health with ADHD - definitely make sure that you have ways of letting yourself loose and make sure not to be too hard on yourself when people don’t appreciate your style :P
Yes! I have read OPs comment and just thought to myself: “No filter, either 0% or 100% engagement, nothing in-between… sounds like ADHD”
OP, get yourself checked out, there’s medication that helps you dialing down your “participation”. You always go full throttle, and these pills probably help to find those “thottle values” between all-the-way and isolation.
That’s a great rule “three before me” - worth noting down!
Put it in the big collection of ADHD tips at the back of your brain that you immediately forget as soon as you think about something cool that you wanna say :D
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Have a look at the neurodiverse sublemmy. The sentiment “had I only known this earlier!” is quite common there.
And just because you may share a trait does not mean you will get a diagnosis. But that also does not mean that you think totally neurotypical. This is not binary, it’s all spectrum.
Is this thing about really wanting to say something when you think of it a sign of ADHD?
Yeah, it’s one of the symptoms. Lots of people who otherwise don’t have ADHD do experience that same feeling, though. The best thing to do is to look at the other symptoms and see how well it seems to fit. Doesn’t have to be every symptom, but if 4-5 seem to fit it’s worth pursuing diagnosis imo.