I worked as a researcher and started applying the scientific method to the bible and faith, and it fell apart. before i tried to “disable” critical thinking on many issues in the bible and push those issues away. Also, I realized that my faith kept me from accepting responsibility for my actions and kept me externalizing responsibility to god and/or the devil and other people.

Came here to post this. Thank you for your service.

Interesting. I was considering doing magic mushrooms precisely with that goal. Can you please elaborate? What did you think/feel about while high, and how did it rewire you? Is there a connection you can see in retrospect?

It is a known personality issue.

It is called avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) or schizoid personality disorder (SPD). Both of these conditions can lead to feelings of loneliness due to inner walls and barriers that the person builds to protect themselves from perceived threats or emotional pain.