Why is there always ONE guy who downvotes EVERYTHING???

2 million years isn’t big? Pssssshhhhh!!! Doubt YOU’LL live that long.

Rumor has it that is the secret ingrediant to NYC style pizza.

Oh, ok. Thats a far better description than the other guy said of just “court costs”.

I would say that America needs something like that, but, I just can’t see the money ACTUALLY going to victims. I see some policeman, or politician, or whomever, pocketing it if they tried that here.

I see you saw my presidential bid campaign promise!

I won’t downvote you for thanking Ron Deslimeball, but I will say…Ew.

Even if it was sarcastic. Still ew.

How do you know he isn’t buying one butchered cow, which can provide many meals?

Delicious, delicious, meals. Dammit! We need cheese and bacon now!

Careful now, you could be arrested for…oh, wait, my mistake. This isn’t a master sword replica.

1/10th of my rent.

Ok everybody. New plan. Everybody vote for me. Here’s my platform. Fuck EVERYBODY!!! Equally. No racism. No discrimination. You ALL get a middle finger to the face. In fact, fuck the donkey, fuck the elephant, my party emblem is a big middle finger. The fucking party. Don’t you want to join the fucking party? I know you want to join the fucking party. You know how hitler had the hitler salute? Well we have giving people the finger. Thats our partys gesture. In fact, do two middle fingers! Double up, mother fuckers!

And my campaign promise? I will fuck up this country at a slower rate than these two old geezers. Actually, first day in office, my first official act as president will be to give both of them the finger.

My second act will be bacon. Just…just bacon.

I call for him to drop out…of a boeing.

In Germany? I thought they got rid of those…like…a while ago.

Too bad the bridge didn’t collapse in 1995 while Art Modell was driving on it.

Yes I’m an old person from Cleveland, why do you ask?

Which time?

Edit: oh dammit. I now see someone else already made this joke. Ok, to make it up to you, I’ll tell a different joke.

So a woman in her Chicago high rise apartment was beating a rug with a broom on her balcony. Suddenly a big burst of wind blew her over the railing.

Now she’s falling from the 30th floor.

A man on the 25th floor sees this, catches her, and says “Wow, it must be my lucky day! A beautiful woman falls out of the sky and into my arms! Tell me young miss, do you suck dick?”

Outraged by this she screams “NO I DON’T SUCK DICK!!!”

So he drops her.

A man on the 20th floor sees her falling, and catches her. He says: Wow, it must be my lucky day! A beautiful woman falls out of the sky and into my arms! Tell me young miss, would you be willing to fuck me?"

Insulted by the idea she screams “NO I DON’T FUCK STRANGERS!!!”

So he drops her.

As she’s falling, she realizes she’s going to die, and in her final moments she prays. “Please god, just let ONE more person catch me! I promise to do any revolting thing they ask!”

And on the 15th floor, a woman catches her. Before her rescuer can say a word, the woman screams “I SUCK! I FUCK! I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!!!”

Revolted by this, the woman holding her says “Slut!”

And drops her.

TIL I’m a koala! I also feel mentally harmed if I have to deal with people all day, instead of sleeping 20 hours a day.

…or, maybe I’m just depressed?

You eliminated the parts that explain why it’s being banned. Why can’t I snuggle the koalas???

Oh, I wasn’t accusing you of lying. I was just saying it’s such a strange name for a charge that has a legitimate purpose, but is named in a way that has nothing to do with that purpose.

Kinda like if you took an uber, and they charged you for the “poopy diaper charge”. And you say nobody on your trip even wore a diaper. So the driver tells you it’s so he can refill his gas in the car.

What a strange name if thats the purpose.

Its amazing how the colonists were basically just “Lets be Englishmen…but over there instead. And we’ll do all the same stuff, but also totally different.”

And John Adams said “Will there be alchohol?”

And then George Washington said “One day we’ll even name a beer after you.”

Then Benjamin Franklin went off to France to get laid a whole bunch. It was pretty easy to get laid in France in the 1770s if you just showed up, and said you’re leading a revolution against the British, and overthrowing monarchy power. Just tons of pusspuss and fine wine to go around.

…what were we talking about?

My favorite one is when half my brain was thinking I was hungry, and my mouth was asking my friend if he wanted to drive to the baseball game, or use public transportation.

What came out of my mouth was “Do you want to drive the hot dog to the game? Or should we take the bus?”

My friend looked at me like a confused puppy tilting their head hoping to see things from a new perspective. Finally he just blurts out “Do you think I have access to the Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile???”

Me, not realizing I said “hot dog” instead of “jeep” was quite confused. So I had no idea why he was bringing up the Oscar-Mayer Weinermobile, just asked “…wha…do you? DO you have access to the Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile?”

“NO!!!”

“Then why’d you bring it up?”