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Do you have hobbies and interests? If so, hop on Google and search for MeetUps in your areas. When you find one, go to it and do that activity with other people. This is a practically fail proof plan because it sets you up to do something that you like doing with other people that also like that thing… which gives you a built in conversation topic.
While you’re there, talk to everyone for a few minutes. Next time there’s a meet up, go back. Don’t put pressure on any one person but, after you’ve been a few times, you’ll recognize and enjoy the company of other regulars and, voila, friends.
Yep. Meetups are the best. You def have to go regularly though… Don’t expect magic from day 1.
What if your hobbies & interests don’t lend themselves to meetups? I tend to have a lot of those that are more solitary in nature, which means others with them were probably drawn to them for similar reasons, being relatively content alone.
Up until they have that nagging feeling that they may benefit from socializing, anyway.
Just about any hobby can be a group hobby. I run, bike, hike, rock climb, watch sports, drink, try new restaurants, play video games, travel, and shit post. All of these can be done individually or in a group. My old man likes stamps and guns. There are shows and meet-ups for that too.
What are you in to that can’t be done with others? If these are truly solitary activities then are you willing to give something new a shot? Try something new and if you don’t vibe with the peeps or the activity, try something else new the next time.
Your hobbies aren’t set in stone, is it possible to find other ones (in addition) that involve socialising? You’re free to try out various things until you find something you like.
If it’s a hobby worth doing then it’s a hobby worth talking about. There will be a group or meetup or something with like-minded people. My hobby only has about 5,000 people in the US and I go to several meets a year and have friends from multiple states. I could do my hobby without ever interacting with anyone (and some people do it like that) but I like the social part.
There is another thing I want to mention is like how do people find dates? I don’t wanna sound like I’m whining or anything but dating apps never worked for me so I was wondering like how do you meet your potential dates in-person like at bars? Sorry if it sounds dumb but I’ve had a hard time with that so I thought why don’t I would just genuinely ask about it?
how do people find dates
Two main ways. My brother is very likable. To the point that it’s almost silly. Dude is 6 ft 3, maybe 300 lbs. He looks like an offensive lineman. He’s probably the strongest, roundest, happiest guy I know. When he was single he never had a problem getting quality dates. Even at his size. But it wasn’t just the charisma. Dude would shoot his shot and, if that didn’t work, he’d shoot his shoot again with the next lady. If you can talk a good game, don’t care if you miss and, ideally, be attractive, then you can slay it at the bars.
I am not as likable as my brother. But I’m funny. I’m decent looking. I treat ladies right. I have hobbies and interests. When I was single, my dates always came from my activity groups. Does it turn out Jenny from run club really likes music? Invite her to a show. And, here’s the key. Only invite people to things you’re going to do anyway. The line is “I’m going to the show this weekend, wanna come with me?” No matter what Jenny says, go to the show. Talk to the people that are there. Have a great time. If you have a great time with Jenny, terrific! If you don’t, or if Jenny doesn’t come, invite someone else next time. Common interests and quality time can take you a long way. Even if it’s a longer game than my brothers.
Really solid advice!
You have to be ok with believing that you’re not annoying others when talking about yourself and asking about them. And you have to do it in a not-creepy way. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
The creeper paradox: the harder you try not to be, the more you appear to be.
Redefine creepy as ‘surpressing emotions’. When you surpress the awareness of surpressing emotions, then you surpress even more, so you appear to be more creepy.
This is like the imposter syndrome but applied to every social interaction. This used to be my life, but it kinda shifted away eventually for me.
Anything in particular help you shift away from that?
For me, it was partly because I was growing older but the biggest impact was when I began training in martial arts, specifically kendo and iaido.
Creepy has a lot to do with not picking up on signals from other people that your attention is not wanted (or in the case of genuine creeps not caring about and ignoring those signals). Unfortunately that works against the advice you just gave. I do realize this is problematic when that advice is kind of needed by someone who suffers from excessive self-consciousness.
And of course you mainly learn to pick up on those signals by practice. Which I guess points back to your advice.
Put yourself ‘out there’ more. Friends are very unlikely to fall into your lap. Don’t shy away from get togethers that you usually would and you’ll likely find people that you gel with. Work is a good place to make friends and you can branch out from there. Pre-established friend groups are also nice to get in on. Other than that, regular activities are good (gym, classes, volunteering etc) there are nice people everywhere (just avoid the dicks)
“I have problems being social”
“Be social”
Volunteer
This is what I found worked best for me. Having a shared commitment to something even if it’s only for an hour helps keep things on track and reduces any social anxiety that comes up for me.
I’m not a “go-getter” and am pretty sure I’d be shunned for not being ambitious enough even at like a soup kitchen or whatever the hell people volunteer at
Hobbies and pursuing them. Like board games? Join the local game night! Like sailing? Join a sailing club and attend! Like football? Join a local football team. Like thinking and debating? Join a Sceptic Society!
It’s hard to be the new kid, it never changes with age, but you just need a few shared experiences and people start thinking of you as part of the tribe.
Like sex? Join a sex club!
Like sex? Join a sex club!
easier said than done, buddy! there’s not just sex clubs hanging around that any man can just go and join
My partner and I recently moved to an entirely new city. It’s in a region I’ve lived in before, but a different city.
We found a meet up group called “ 20 something’s meetup” and went to a few events. We found some people we really enjoyed and invited them to a few other events, and still regularly attend the group as a whole. The internet has done a lot of work for us.
Hobby clubs, fitness groups, volunteering, specific interest events. Personally, I plan to attend more local events. There are some upcoming local events that pique my interests.
How does one discover/find hobby clubs, fitness groups, and volunteering opportunities? I know of meetup.com, but are there other ways? Also, what exactly are special interests events, and how does one become aware of these events?
I mean it depends on where you live. But sports clubs are easy enough to find if you just search for your sport and area.
Same I would guess with other hobbies.
Fitness groups no idea to be honest.
Volunteering: there are usually quite a few forums and such discussing volunteering opportunities. In my country the biggest ones are the volunteer fire department, volunteer first aid (red cross, Johanniter, ASB, Malteser, etc.), technical relief (THW), and different organisations regarding the homeless and poor (biggest ones probably are the Bahnhofsmission and Tafeln) - this is all Germany specific but I’m sure there are somewhat similar things in other countries, too. For smaller things the are often even websites from the local government where you can search for volunteering opportunities interesting you, by topic.
To be honest, I’ve gone back to Facebook to discover local events. I never knew that the local comic shop had events like boardgames and book signings. I also discovered that the South Florida fairgrounds has its own comic con of sorts and my county has an annual event named “PalmCon”.
Board game meetups and clubs work great
Warhammer 40k has been great for this
Exposure pretty much. Meaning get out there, join some groups, talk with people at work or anywhere you spend a good amount of time at, and see who you connect with. Be curious but not invasive.
I think we make too much of a deal about making friends as adults. Kids are so much easier in this: “Want to be my friend?”, “Sure!”
I’m guilty about this as well, too shy and awkward to just make friends. But I believe most people would be happy to have a new friend if the other made the first move. We’re all just so socially awkward about these things.Anyway, if anyone wants a friend, I’ll be your friend :)
I realize this doesn’t really answer the question. Best way is to be open and eager to make friends, I suppose?
Some of us were bad at it as kids too.
Of course not every child is the same, and I don’t mean to say it applied to every single one of us.
I specifically meant around the age of preschool, kids don’t think of the consequences and are just happy to do stuff together.
My own childhood from primary school onwards wasn’t blessed with a lot of friendships, so I understand what you’re saying here.
It’s easy as kids because you know you’re both regularly going to be physically present in the same place at the same time, so you’ll actually have a chance to do friend things. You don’t get that as an adult. You need to figure out if you can actually stay in touch with this person (e.g. maybe you have a shared hobby that allows you to regularly meet). You also have a better idea of what kind of people you get along with as you get older. With less time to spare, you definitely want to have these boxes checked before you invest more time into a relationship.
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There’s tons of good comments here. Mine will echo some! I just wanted to share my experience.
I have three hobbies that I’ve explored since moving to a new city in my 30s - axe throwing, pinball, and making music.
I found a local axe league and joined for a season. One season has become four :) The people I throw axes with are wonderful and varied. While we may not have crossed paths otherwise, they’re fine folks and I consider many my friends.
I went to a local pinball bar for a casual tournament and have been going every other week since. It a supportive community and I’ve had a great time learning about the games and learning about the folks on my various teams.
I answered a Craigslist ad for a band looking for another member. We’ve clicked quite well and have practices together, go out together, record together, and even play shows!
Exploring your own hobbies in some sort of structured way might be a good step in your own quest :) Good luck!
Hobby. Like rock climbing gym. You can’t help meeting people and you end up friends. My brother and best friend both met their wives in a gym
Buy a boat.
the girls won’t say no, because of the implications
This is a trap. Sure, everyone wants to be friends with the person who owns a boat, but that’s because even magic the gathering is cheaper and less of a headache.
It is absolutely a trap. But if you’re on the hunt for friends, it’s friends in a barrel.
“Friends”.
prison
The Criminal Education System is a great way to learn new skills and make excellent connections. You go there with some entry level education of how business and crime works. You come out with an in depth understanding of multiple areas.
Very common question but no one wants to hear the truth… You don’t.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but for the majority of people you kind of don’t. The social situations where you might meet people in your you ger days are closing or have already closed.
School is usually a big one for most, but after a certain age, you’re not likely to be in school any longer and if you are, then you’ll be considerably older than others.
Work is another one, but recent trends work against that. People tend to work at places for a short period of time before they jump ship. Shorter period of time, short number of connections you might make. Also with the hysteria over sexual harassment, people tend to not want anything to do with finding close connections these days at work. And of course working from home is clearly the biggest killer. You’re not going to connect with someone over a few Teams messages.
People tend to be less physically active as they get older, so meeting people on a team sport tends to be less common.
Lastly everything kind of snowballs. The less friends you have, the less friends-of-friends you might meet. And if you have some friends that are in a relationship, then forget about it. They’ll want to spend time with their significant other, and god forbid they get married and have kids. You’ll never see those people again unless you also have kids. I’m not painting a very positive picture here, but I think it’s way more realistic than many want to admit.
This is incredibly cynical and untrue. There are plenty of ways to make friends around hobbies, but you do have to work at it, like most meaningful things. It also takes time. The internet can be isolating, but it also can bring people together via meetups and other avenues.
Early thirties here, married, and we have 2 kids. You hit the nail on the head, unfortunately!
Key here is married. You already found each other and gained each other’s friends
We also just moved to a new city, far away from everyone we know… So now neither of us have any friends.
Wait for your kids to make friends, then get to know their parents
It’s easy to make acquaintances, but just because your kids are friends does nothing to make the parents “click” and be friends.
They have kids, also known as friend repellant.
You can also gain friends through kids
These are indeed reasons why people tend not to make friends as they get older.
But none of them are reasons why one couldn’t make friends. All you need to do is find someone else who also wants to make friends, and then become friends. None of these make that actually impossible.
All you need to do is find someone else who also wants to make friends
You just responded to a message detailing why it’s difficult to find people who want to make friends. This has the same energy as telling someone with depression to just not be sad.
I see it as a list of reasons why you actually have to search for people to befriend. Like use an online system or run an ad in the newspaper or something, rather than just hope you already are going to encounter suitable people just going about your life.
I don’t think not having any friend candidates handy is the same kind of problem as depression.
