Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
I’m not one to tell somebody they shouldn’t feel annoyed, or tired, or bothered, but it sounds like you’re not satisfied with how things are going for you, and I’ve italicized three things above you should take a hard look at if you’re interested in any kind of change.
Recognize that you don’t have to feel annoyed. Feeling annoyed or bothered is often what we feel if we have fears, anxieties, or expectations that aren’t being met, and you can actually learn to let all of that go and just be present in the moment, if you want to.
Also, you identified yourself that you “act like a dickhole,” so stop it!
Try to meet people irl. There are lots and lots of people. Try to let your barriers down, meaning approach people with no expectations, no judgment, and unconditional positive regard. Ask people questions about themselves. You’ll be flabbergasted how easily you can make connections if you do these things.
I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don’t have the stamina to get past the “getting to know you” stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.
I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn’t operate that way.
I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don’t have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.
But then the question is what do you want? If you want something out of life that you’re not getting, you’re going to have to start by identifying and changing something about yourself that’s creating that barrier for you. Otherwise, keep everything the same and either keep feeling dissatisfied or work on accepting things just as they are.
I disagree with you wholeheartedly that getting to know someone gradually and naturally over time through exposure at work is very much different than dating. They’re actually really similar, as is all relationship building. A big difference here is chatting online vs irl. Are you actually going on dates in real life, or are we just talking online here? Those are very different things
I’ve just been talking online. It’s tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I’ve yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It’s my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.
I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It’s totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend’s husband and children. I’m not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
My og advice still stands, you’ve got to meet people in real life. You need to develop enough confidence to approach people in public settings to strike up conversations, and put yourself in situations where you see people regularly, like a meetup or hobby group. A ton of people I know met their significant others through friends. Meeting and making friends will broaden your social circle, which will open up options for you.
The problem with that is I have to deal with the restriction of asexuality. I’ve had opportunities to date in irl in the past, but they’ve always been with sexual people, and I’m not compatible. It just… doesn’t pan out that way for me.
I get that “sex isn’t the most important part in a relationship”. But it’s actually a core need for 99% of the human population. If I’m only ever going to run into sexual people irl, then it doesn’t at all make sense to start my search there.
Do you ACTUALLY want a life partner, or do you feel your life is lacking something, and you suspect that a life partner would fill that hole?
Just kick the idea around for a bit. If getting to know someone is that painful, then why would you pursue a situation where they are ever present in your life?
You’ll know you’re ready for a relationship when you find yourself NEVER getting tired of talking to someone and wanting to go out of your way to spend even more time with someone. Now, you probably don’t think you’ll ever feel that way, maybe not, but that’s ok too. It just means you don’t need anyone right now, and trying to claim someone as yours just so you can check a box on a list of things that make other people happy isn’t going to help.
This is a bot too far in the opposite direction to be an absolute for everyone. There are a lot of people including myself who do want to spend the vast majority of time with someone, but still get tired of talking to anyone at all and just want some time to my own thoughts. It isn’t much time, but it is more than zero.
Heck, it is nice to just be in close proximity with someone and do our own separate things aometimes.
My cousin has this sort of relationship with her husband. They actually are generally off doing their own thing most of the time. But their relationship is very healthy and they have a great life together. It’s interesting seeing the spectrum of relationships that I see… with some couples seeming to be glued together at the hip, and some just coming together now and then. I guess I’m just a bit more of a standoffish type in general.
Oh, absolutely. I meant it as a litmus test for relationships. It’s not an all the time forever thing, but especially in the beginning.
Reading OPs comments felt like the butterfly meme: “Someone I can’t stand interacting with” “Is THIS a life partner?”
I do feel that way about people. But it takes a long ass time to get to that point. I don’t meet people and immediately like them. It takes me freaking forever to get there… we’re talking months.
I do have people in my life that I always want to be around and can’t get enough of, but for various reasons, it doesn’t make for a relationship. (Ex: obviously I’m not going to date my family members or my coworkers who are married with children). I do have the capacity to feel deep connections with others. It’s just not at all a quick thing for me.
I guess I don’t know for sure if I want a life partner…I just want someone to always be there for me and to be the same priority to them as they are to me.
But if you don’t like people, what’s the purpose of having this? A merely pragmatic reason is insulting for the other person.
I feel like a lot of people in these replies are getting the wrong idea. I don’t just hate everyone. There are people in my life that I care very deeply about and love spending every moment I can with them.
BUT it takes me a long time to get to know people to the point that I feel that way about them. And for many, I don’t ever feel that way about them.
I can’t just flip a switch and adore someone immediately without taking forever to get to that level. It takes a long ass time for me to develop that kinship. It happens passively when you see someone often for unrelated reasons (like for me, at work…I get to know people over time without the stamina struggle of constantly forcing a relationship). But in dating, that’s the sole focus.
And what happens when you start a family and then… get tired of them? Get annoyed by them? Children can be absolute twats, and it takes them a long time to grow up. We all have low points with our spouses. Those kinds of relationships take a lot of social stamina, which you claim you don’t really have. Think about what it might do to your child if things don’t work out the way you planned. Let’s say you don’t feel the kind of love for them that you expected to. What would stop you from ghosting them, either emotionally or physically?
Well, I’d say that’s how it works for must of us. In the cases of “love at first sight”, generally it’s mostly lust dressed as “love”. Dating should be an occasion to know a prospective partner, but it’s the first step of a long road if you want to know the person enough to open to them. I don’t know how many people acts like this, though.
I can relate to your last paragraph. And all I can suggest is find a hobby that brings the amount and kind of interaction you can stand. It’s ok to try different things. Could be sports, politics, chess, parachuting, boardgames, volunteering at the animal shelter, what ever you like to try. Do it for the thing itself and the interaction will come naturally. And don’t be afraid to try many things. Sometimes hobbies sound better than they actually are, sometimes we lose interest. That’s ok.
Just get a grip on that „being a dick“ thing when you are overwhelmed and frustrated. Again, I can relate, but it is probably your biggest problem. Try being straightforward with people instead. It is ok to tell people „sorry, my social batteries are drained right now“. Some will not understand, but some will and at least you are giving them a chance at that. If you lash out or just ghost people, it is guaranteed that nobody will understand, and I bet that in itself is another source of frustration.
Accept that you are not the great extrovert that society (and especially media) seems to put so much value on. And that is ok. There are plenty of people out there who are strong introverts and socially very awkward that find happiness and success at the amount of interaction they find acceptable. They don’t stand out by their very nature, but if you look for them, they are there. And there are plenty of people who appreciate those that are not the loudest blokes at the center of the party.
Yeah, I suppose I should try to join some sort of groups or something irl. Part of the problem is that dating-wise, I’m working with the small narrow group that are asexual people. You don’t run across them irl. So I can’t hope to just naturally find someone to date in person like a sexual person would. I could naturally make more friends maybe, but not date those that I find.
I feel like you feel that you should do that. Ask yourself why.
Well…I hadn’t wanted to for the first 3 decades of my life. But through the years I’ve had some friends go. And I’ve realized that to any friend, I will never be as important as their own family. And that’s perfectly understandable. It would be delusional to think that I should be more important than say, someone’s children, for example.
With a life partner, they are your #1 priority and you are their #1 priority. You are meant to be equals. And you’re supposed to stick with each other for life. I get that it’s not necessarily a fairy book that turns out this way, but at least you have a partner in crime. It gets lonely sometimes to be alone.
Well, but that’s earned. You’re not entitled to that. If you tire of people easily, have a short fuse and don’t like people (or the interactions with them) in general, I don’t see that you have much to offer in a way that’s palatable for other people.
Crudely said: What do you have to offer, for someone to want you as a long-term companion?