This is a bit of a vent because I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that’s ok.

I’m a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.

When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.

I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is… I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.

And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.

Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like “oh, all girls are like that.”

I’m super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that… Oh, shit, I’m bi.

And it just upsets me? Like I’m in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m going to marry him in a couple of years. I don’t have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.

And I don’t feel comfortable “coming out”. I have this vague guilt that I’ve lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I’d be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are “actually queer”. I’m worried people won’t believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.

In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I’ll survive to my 30s).

But I just feel like I’m stuck being a straight woman, and it’s just something about myself that I’ll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I’m ashamed to tell anyone because I’m afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.

  • aegisofdark@beehaw.org
    1·
    1 year ago

    I’m not sure if it’s been said yet, but I think it needs to be.

    There is no time limit on coming out. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—that says you have to decide to come out or not, either! It is personal. It’s your truth and your sexuality. What matters is that you feel comfortable with yourself and how you feel.

    Honestly, it’s human nature to think ‘about the what if’ and it makes wonder about what life may have been like if you had just… Nope, that’s when stop the train right there and get off of it, lol. Sure things could have been different but that’s neither here nor there.

    Don’t beat yourself up for past you’s mindset. Acknowledge yourself and how you’ve grown since then and just be ❤️ there is no need to put ourselves into boxes with labels. We are all people and we shouldn’t be viewed one way or another based solely on who we have in our bedroom.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that we can’t dwell on the past. As you said you’re happy with your partner and want to make a life with them. That’s all that should matter, man or woman.

    Big hugs 🫂