Hey, so I just want to give my perspective as someone who’s a cis woman and bisexual.

I think that most cis people don’t feel jealous of people of the other gender, or wish they had physical features associated with another gender. That might mean you’re trans, but it might not. It’s okay to not be sure. It’s okay to “try on” a label, in a safe space and identify a certain way, and then decide “no, that doesn’t fit me”. We’re here to be this space.

There’s a lot I could say here that I’m sure someone else has said better, but something I wanted to highlight is when you said “I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.” Transness may seem to be shaped by gender dysphoria, and whilst I understand why feeling dysphoric is an important part of many trans people’s experiences, I think it is too easy to slip into a trap of “oh, I guess I could live like this” and resign oneself to misery. However, there’s nothing quite so beautiful as seeing a person experience gender euphoria, whether they’re trans or not. I want you to lead the best life you can, and I hope you are able to be supported in finding out what that means for you.

You don’t need to have any answers or labels that fit right now, or ever. Whatever your gender identity or sexuality though, you are welcome here.

Hey, you’re welcome here - so don’t worry about that.

No one can tell you who they are, but we can absolutely share and try help you along in that process. Lots of what you’ve described is pretty common for lots of trans folks, for sure. I spent a long time going back and forth and questioning myself a lot, and a big barrier for me was being really worried about what it would be like to be trans, and how hard it would be - and while it’s been challenging at times, my life is so much richer and more full for it.

All i can recommend is continuing to have an open mind - if you’re comfortable with asking this of yourself, and comfortable seeking out and learning more, that will help guide you on the way - and even if it turns out you’re not trans, at least you’ll have learnt a lot along the way!

While I get the feeling that, at this point, the suggestion “talk to a therapist that specializes in gender identity” would be met with a bunch of trepidation, that’s probably going to be the most conclusive action you could take.

In the mean time, I would suggest reading some memoirs written by trans people to see how much you identify with their pre-transition experiences. She’s Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan is a classic one, but there are many you could read.

Everything you’ve said so far are hints that you might be trans, but as an internet stranger I’m not qualified to “diagnose” you. You could be something only halfway to trans (whatever that means) and an actual licensed therapist is going to be best equipped to help you figure it out.

In either case, have fun figuring out who you really want to be! Nothing is better than being allowed to be comfortable as yourself!

Hi friend!

I see a lot of my younger self in your post, if that helps at all.

I came out in my late 30’s, after living life relatively comfortably as a guy (at least by outward appearances. By the time I came out I was starting to be a bit of a wreck inside.)

There were similar feelings and thoughts to what you describe. Often looking at women and thinking “goddamn, why do they get to look so pretty and I’m stuck like this?” or wishing I could have the same kind of fashion choices available that they do. I didn’t spend any time watching trans porn content, but I did a lot of reading of transformation erotica. The idea of something or someone sort of “forcing” that transformation from a guy to a girl, and them having to learn to live with it (and secretly finding out they love it) was like crack to me. After a while, it wasn’t even the smutty parts I was looking for – they were fun, but I’d often skip over them to get to the next bit of plot so I could get that vicarious thrill.

By all outward appearances, I was a happy, regular dude – a relatively successful one at that. I was married, had a dog and a house and a good relationship with my parents and a decent job and group of friends. And I could have probably kept living that way for longer, if I had to. But it ate me up inside. Once I had the thoughts you’re having now, it got worse for me; I realized that what I was dealing with might be gender-related and might be dysphoria.

I pushed it away then. I thought “I can’t have that, I’d lose everything I care about, all that stuff I worked so hard for.” I stuffed it down and pretended I didn’t feel it and, for a time, it went away. At first those feelings went away, for months even. But eventually, they came back, and when they did, I’d struggle with them. I’d get down in the dumps for a day or two before I could push it back down and away again. Turns out that it was a repeating cycle for me, each time they’d come back more quickly, and each time the feelings would hit me harder and stronger and I’d be stuck with them for longer before I could finally dispel them. The last time it did that I was depressed for a month or more, to the point that my wife started seriously worrying and told me that she felt almost like she didn’t know who I was anymore, that she couldn’t recognize what I was thinking or feeling and she was scared.

A week or two later I came out to her as maybe non-binary or genderfluid. Another week or two later I started therapy. Within a month, I’d accepted that yes, I’m trans, and I need to transition if I want a shot at being happy.

Sorry, I’m rambling a bit. What I’m trying to say is don’t let it get as far along as I did. You’re having these thoughts and questions, they’re okay to have. This isn’t something to feel shameful about. Seek out a good therapist that specializes in gender identity, and talk to them about it. Maybe try new pronouns out in a small, safe group. Explore, and see what feels right for you. You’ll be okay. :)

Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?

I would suggest not focusing on labels, but rather actions. Labels are tools, not boxes.

Do you want to dress differently? Try different a name or pronouns? Take HRT? How does thinking about these questions make you feel?

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ may also be useful. I’d also suggest looking up the term “gender envy”.

Just wanted to chime in and say you’re absolutely welcome here. This kind of questioning is normal for gender queer people. Like others have said, who you are and who you want to be can only be decided by you.

I had very similar thoughts to yours when I was first coming out to myself. What ended up being very important for me was finding safe ways to explore my gender and what felt the most right. I would do things like shave my legs, or dress up, try some makeup etc. The other really important thing I did was see a gender therapist. It was immensely helpful for me to sort through the scramble my brain was in and really self reflect and see who I was.

I’m sorry you feel scared posting this, I can relate to that 🫂 Beehaw is a safe space though. I hope you can sort through your thoughts and continue to explore your gender. While often hard, the journey I’ve been on has been beautiful and the best thing ive done in my life. You are always welcome here

Oh, sounds a little bit like me.

I am genderqueer/nonbinary. Specifically, my gender identity tends to fluctuate between agender and female. I am “comfortable living life as a woman”, but I often look at more androgynous folk and wonder: “Could that’ve been me, if I made a few different life choices?”

I can’t confirm what your identity is for sure. But I can say that there’s at least one other big person (I’m rather overweight, which tends to affect my dysphoria because there’s no hiding these curves 🤷) that experiences something similar, if you want to explore looking up nonbinary identity.

You are allowed to be a guy who wants breasts and to wear feminine clothing. Pronouns, clothes, and appearance don’t all need to “match”

Welcome friend! Thank you for sharing. There’s no wrong way to be yourself. I don’t identify as trans, so I can’t speak to that question, but what I can do is encourage you to think about what gender expression speaks to you. You get to decide if you’re a man who likes to wear skirts, a woman who likes to dress femme on bottom and masc on top, if your body feels right with a vulva or a penis, or any other combination imaginable! Listen to that small voice, follow your joy to yourself.

I’m so glad you made this post! I’m not an expert, but it sounds like you’re interested in exploring a new or different side of your gender identity or expression.

It’s important to remember that gender exists on a wide spectrum, and there’s no “right” answer about what you should or shouldn’t do, other than what you feel comfortable with or are interested in exploring.

If you have an urge to experiment with dresses and skirts, more power to you! You can take steps towards that by doing it in the comfort of your home or with trusted friends. It will be helpful if you can find a community supporting your journey.

Good luck!

Given something like asktransgender does not exist here yet AFAIK, seems like a pretty good place to ask such questions. You shouldn’t feel shame for wanting to be a woman, but its unfortunately easy to feel that way.

Might also be relevant reading given your mention of the “entertainment material” first:
https://medium.com/@kemenatan/its-just-a-fetish-right-91cb0a4e261

I won’t go too in depth in my reply, but I will highlight to you that most people don’t “endure” being their gender, and they don’t worry about regretting not being themselves.

I think it’s safe to say though that the persona you present to the world isn’t a complete reflection of who you really are.

All of that being said, I can’t tell you who you are, and you may not even be able to do that yourself yet. But you can give yourself permission to find those answers, and I think you’re making a good start to that part :)

Just wanted to say you are brave and I believe it was a good idea to ask around.

what you’re talking about is pretty common for chasers. I’ve known a few who progressed towards transition after having such feelings, and some who didn’t.

This is beehaw so I’ll bite my tongue on commenting but… the description you provided is remarkably common and well understood by the medical and scientific community.

My advice kinda goes against the grain but: I’d recommend maybe cutting down on the porn, explore fashion as you please, try to think about things for yourself rather than blindly believing others, and look at how these sorts of things were handled scientifically in the past vs how they’re handled today.

Heh, gosh, you remind me of me back when I was still trying to figure out my sexuality. I would be absolutely dumbstruck by girls, so I knew I wasn’t gay…at least I was pretty sure? But then I’d also experiment with guys between relationships. I didn’t think of them as cute in the same way, but whenever I saw a gay couple, I’d get terribly nervous and get butterflies and wasn’t sure why. I had these dreams of a white picket fence, kids, a wife…I was worried that for some reason this…part of me that was opaque to me and unsure of that wouldn’t allow me to live happily. I eventually had this really rough coming out. I was trying to date girls because secretly, I was trying to keep my mind off one of my good guy friends who already liked me. I kept meeting girls who just weren’t quite my type, or their personality was just kinda…not great. And he was so beautiful and shiny and loving. We had known each other for years, and he was a wonderful human being. One day he kinda asked me how I felt about him, and I was so caught off guard because in that moment, I realized I was running away from him because I was so so scared of how my life might change if I veered off that path towards the white picket fence to date him. And I panicked and broke down completely when my mom who was visiting stepped into the room minutes later.

And I got a counselor. And he figuratively gripped my cheeks and told me that my life would be the same no matter who I was dating, men, women, nonbinary, whatever. That I could make the life I wanted with anyone, and that their gender wouldn’t change that, or how society saw me. That helped set me free.

I’ve been dating that boy for a year now and my life is so, so much better. I’m happier, I’m not stressed out about it anymore, and I can do what I want. We haven’t gotten married yet, but he’s interested in having kids and that white picket fence. I think things are gonna go well :)